Monday morning Jokes

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Monday morning Jokes

Postby Kieran » Mon Sep 10, 2007 8:28 am

As promised at the AGM a Monday morning Joke thread. These are very 'groan-tastic' I'm afraid.....

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled under by a strong currant

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It went down the lane and turned into a field.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

Kieran :roll: :lol:
TGA 1970, Mustards 1974
Heart Attack 1984
2 Tia's 1991
AF & SVT's
ICD fitted December 2005
On active Transplant list July 2008
Heart Transplant 31st July 2009
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Postby blonde_saint » Mon Sep 10, 2007 4:54 pm

well done for starting the joke thread! I did laugh at alot of them :lol:
deb xx
Now a very happily married Mrs Rigby!
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Postby Scarlet » Mon Sep 10, 2007 8:16 pm

nuf said
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
ccTGA, VSD, Pulmonary Stenosis, Dextrocardia

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Postby Gilly » Mon Sep 10, 2007 9:25 pm

Now I'm smiling - thanks Kieran.

Cheers, Gill
Aortic Valve Replacement (mechancial) October 2009
Mild Coarctation
Hypertension
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Postby vicki » Tue Sep 11, 2007 8:16 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Don't give up the day job Kieran :roll:

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Postby jennieburns2000 » Sun Sep 16, 2007 8:42 pm

Hi

Very good thank you for that!!!!!!

Very groantastic!!!!!!!!

Jen x x
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Postby Kieran » Mon Sep 17, 2007 10:28 am

Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an
orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence,
both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was
slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake
and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt
you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In
fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the
same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my
mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work
out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're
covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches;
and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny
rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over
with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're
smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no
balls.
I'd say you must be either a team leader or possibly someone in senior
management".
TGA 1970, Mustards 1974
Heart Attack 1984
2 Tia's 1991
AF & SVT's
ICD fitted December 2005
On active Transplant list July 2008
Heart Transplant 31st July 2009
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Postby Kieran » Mon Sep 17, 2007 10:37 am

Just in time for one silly one..

Sean Connery has fallen on hard times. All work has dried up and he's just sat at home twiddling his thumbs.
Suddenly the phone rings and Sean answers it. It's his agent and Sean gets very excited.
The agent says, "Sean, I've got a job for you. Starts tomorrow, but you've got to get there early, for 10ish."

Sean frowns and replies, "10ish? But I haven't even got a racket."
TGA 1970, Mustards 1974
Heart Attack 1984
2 Tia's 1991
AF & SVT's
ICD fitted December 2005
On active Transplant list July 2008
Heart Transplant 31st July 2009
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Postby Gilly » Mon Sep 17, 2007 10:48 am

Hi Kieran

Loved the bunny and snake one, it reminds me of a few people at work!!!!

Thanks again, Gill

P.S. As I'm not too good today (constant headache) you've just brightened and cheered up my day.
Aortic Valve Replacement (mechancial) October 2009
Mild Coarctation
Hypertension
Aortic Valvotomy 1982
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Postby Scarlet » Mon Sep 17, 2007 1:04 pm

Well done Kieran, I knew that joke book would come in handy.

I've just read them and they've cheered me up, after spending 2 and a half long boring hours on a phone call.

I found myself putting on my best Sean Connery impression for the last one :oops:
ccTGA, VSD, Pulmonary Stenosis, Dextrocardia

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Postby blonde_saint » Mon Sep 17, 2007 5:21 pm

well done made me smile again and made my day a bit brighter after work
deb x
Now a very happily married Mrs Rigby!
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Postby SteveT » Thu Sep 20, 2007 7:55 pm

Hi kieran.
Just read the bunny and snake, :lol: Marvellous :lol: :lol: :lol: Spot o
n tho,souds like team leaders and managers where i work!
1973 TOF.
2004 af,cardioverted.
2007 angiogram.
left pulmonary artery stenosis.
leaking pulmonary valve. forusimide and warferin.
2008 pulmonary valve replacement and pulmonary artery reconstruction.
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At last... an opportunity to post my favourite jokes

Postby elizabeth » Mon Sep 24, 2007 12:34 pm

At last! Kieran has nodded and it's lunchtime. So I'll post my 2 favourite jokes, though some people don't seem to appreciate them at all... :( :D

Q - What's brown and sticky?
A - A stick
:lol:

Q - What's big and green?
A - A field

And if those weren't to your taste, this one might hit the spot:

"Morris and his wife Esther went to the local air show every year,and every year Morris would say, "Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter"

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is £50 quid. And £50 quid is £50 quid".

One year when Esther and Morris went to the air show, Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."Esther replied,"Morris you know that helicopter ride is £50 quid. And £50 quid is £50 quid".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's £50 quid." Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know £50 quid is £50 quid.......!"

:P
TGA - 1976, Mustard 1977 & baffle repair 1984.
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Postby vicki » Mon Sep 24, 2007 1:14 pm

:roll: :roll:

Words which I thought would never pass my lips....come back Kieran!

:lol: :lol:

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Postby Gilly » Mon Sep 24, 2007 8:48 pm

Not bad especially the helicopter one but I think Kieran's bunny and snake joke will take some beating?

Where are you Kieran?

Gill
Aortic Valve Replacement (mechancial) October 2009
Mild Coarctation
Hypertension
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