Monday morning Jokes

We're all more than just our Heart Conditions, so if you want to discuss last nights TV, your favourite sport, or just the price of fish, this is the place.

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Postby vicki » Mon Mar 16, 2009 8:59 am

Oh and one more....

How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the light bulb really has to want to change...

:roll: :roll: :roll:

Sorry....

Vicki
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Postby Gilly » Wed Mar 18, 2009 9:32 am

Lol Vicki,

I like them :D

Gilly x
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Postby Kieran » Thu Apr 30, 2009 7:28 pm

The new advice line that the govenment has set up for the Swine Flu outbreak has had teething problems.

Aparently when you phone it, you can't hear the message - you just get a lot of crackling :lol:

Kieran Badjoke :roll:
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Postby vicki » Fri May 01, 2009 4:00 pm

Can you get a humor transplant???

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Postby Nic » Mon Jun 15, 2009 11:21 pm

From my six year old.....

Q. What do Giraffes have that no other animal has?

A. Baby giraffes.
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Postby Amanda Eisa » Fri Aug 07, 2009 3:24 pm

Hope you all like this joke.

At the funeral of a famous heart surgeon, a huge heart has been placed at the front of the church, and it slowly opens up for the coffin to glide through. Suddenly one of the mourners begins to laugh. Disgusted, another guest asks why he's being so disrespectful. 'I was just thinking of my own funeral,' the mourner chuckles. 'You see, I'm a gynaecologist.'

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Postby Kieran » Mon Aug 24, 2009 7:39 am

A ventriloquist is touring and one night he’s doing a show in a club in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual act including his repertoire of dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly a blonde woman in the middle of the crowd stands up and starts shouting at the stage.

“I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?â€
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Postby blonde_saint » Mon Aug 24, 2009 8:16 am

Glad to see your back with the jokes :D
Now a very happily married Mrs Rigby!
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funnies

Postby superwoman » Mon Aug 24, 2009 10:04 am

Hi Kieran

Glad you back with the Monday am jokes.

Glad to hear u didnt get a humour transplant at the same time...lol

Best wishes and more jokes plz

Gill :D
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Postby Gilly » Tue Aug 25, 2009 12:04 pm

Kieran is back with the jokes, fantastic!

Keep them coming :D

Gilly x
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Postby vicki » Fri Feb 05, 2010 8:41 pm

With apoplogies....

A woman brought a very limp parrot into the Vet's
surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the Vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said;
"I'm so sorry, but Polly has passed away".

The distressed owner wailed; "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't
done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma
or something?"

The Vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room
returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador
dog.

As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on
his hind legs, put his front paws on the table and
sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at
the Vet with his sad, brown eyes and shook his head. The Vet
patted the dog and took it out of the office, but returned a
few moments later with a cat!

The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The
cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.
The Vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry. But like I
said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably, dead."

He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's
owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"What's this!" she cried. "£150 just to tell me my bird is
dead?"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would
only have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan..."
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My turn

Postby Stuw » Mon Apr 26, 2010 11:06 pm

Its not Monday here, but it is in the UK...

A cop came around last night and told me they were to put down my dog for chasing a kid on a bike..
I said piss off, my dog doesn't even have a bike.

:roll:

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Postby vicki » Tue Apr 27, 2010 11:50 am

Oh no!

We have a Kieran rival :shock:

:D
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Postby Stuw » Fri Jul 02, 2010 1:09 am

Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still alive. He said that the England Team performance on Saturday was completely ****. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.
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Postby Stuw » Fri Jul 02, 2010 1:10 am

Oxo have just released a new cube, it is white with a red cross on it to commemorate England's effort in the World Cup - they call it Laughing Stock!!!!
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