Monday morning Jokes

We're all more than just our Heart Conditions, so if you want to discuss last nights TV, your favourite sport, or just the price of fish, this is the place.

Moderators: Moderator6, Moderator2, Moderator5, Moderator1, moderator7, Moderator3

more funnies

Postby superwoman » Sat Jan 10, 2009 9:12 pm

Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office:
Dr. Jones, at your cervix.

In a Podiatrist's office:
Time wounds all heels.

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

On a Plumber's truck:
We repair what your husband fixed.

On another Plumber's truck:
Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

On a Church's Bill board:
7 days without God makes one weak.

At a Tyre Store:
Invite us to your next blowout.

On an Electrician's truck:
Let us remove your shorts.

In a Non-smoking Area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

On a Maternity Room door:
Push. Push. Push.

At an Optometrist's Office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

On a Taxidermist's window:
We really know our stuff.

On a Fence:
Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!

At a Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.

In a Vets waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

In a Restaurant window:
Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
Drive carefully. We'll wait.

The sign at a Radiator shop:
Best place in town to take a leak."

The sign on the back of a Septic Tank Truck:
Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises
superwoman
 
Posts: 640
Joined: Sun Jul 04, 2004 10:34 am
Location: near glasgow, scotland

more funnies

Postby superwoman » Sat Jan 31, 2009 10:34 pm

On a beautiful summer's day two English tourists were
driving through Wales.
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they
stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress 'Before we order, I wonder if
you could settle an argument for us, can you pronounce where we are, very, very,
very slowly?

The girl leaned over and said, 'Burrr gurrr
king'!
superwoman
 
Posts: 640
Joined: Sun Jul 04, 2004 10:34 am
Location: near glasgow, scotland

funnies

Postby superwoman » Sat Jan 31, 2009 11:00 pm

The Zipper
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became
aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin , she could not raise her leg
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing
behind her picked her up easily by the waist
and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the
would-be Samaritan
and yelled,
'How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled,
'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,

but after you unzipped my fly three times,
I kinda figured we was friends.'
superwoman
 
Posts: 640
Joined: Sun Jul 04, 2004 10:34 am
Location: near glasgow, scotland

Postby superwoman » Sat Jan 31, 2009 11:01 pm

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can do all these things . . . . .

THEN YOU ARE PROBABLY THE FAMILY DOG!!

N.B. There are exceptions to this list as the 4th & 5th lines above don't really apply to my dog
superwoman
 
Posts: 640
Joined: Sun Jul 04, 2004 10:34 am
Location: near glasgow, scotland

more funnies

Postby superwoman » Thu Feb 05, 2009 9:51 pm

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,
And every year Morris would say,
'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied,
'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,
And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,
'Esther, I'm 85 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied,
'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word
I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth,
I almost said something when Esther fell out,
But you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
superwoman
 
Posts: 640
Joined: Sun Jul 04, 2004 10:34 am
Location: near glasgow, scotland

im procrastinating again!

Postby superwoman » Thu Feb 05, 2009 9:58 pm

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER
DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE
ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY
USING THE SINK.

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED
FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO
USE A TIMER.

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM
ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL
BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T
MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE
DUCT TAPE.

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.


DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR
ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE
STAIRS.
superwoman
 
Posts: 640
Joined: Sun Jul 04, 2004 10:34 am
Location: near glasgow, scotland

cue not to drink 2 much

Postby superwoman » Sun Feb 08, 2009 12:10 am

Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with £10 notes. He guesses there must be thousands of pounds in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks. 'What's up with the jar?'

Well, you pay £10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money..'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. 'What are the three tests?'

'Pay first, those are the rules.' says the bartender. So the man gives him the £10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'OK,' the bartender says. 'Here's what you need to do .......

First, you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once ... and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third, there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her.'

The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my £10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things ..'

'Your call,' says the bartender, 'but your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, 'Wherez zat tequila?'

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with big slurps. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside.

They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

'Now,' he says. 'Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?'
superwoman
 
Posts: 640
Joined: Sun Jul 04, 2004 10:34 am
Location: near glasgow, scotland

Postby SG » Sun Feb 08, 2009 9:25 pm

I was queueing in Tesco the other day when this woman just dropped dead in front of me. I felt really bad for her, she'd just bought a Bag For Life!
It's the beat.
SG
 
Posts: 17
Joined: Sun Jan 04, 2009 10:34 pm
Location: Lewes, South England

blondes

Postby superwoman » Wed Feb 18, 2009 11:09 pm

A beautiful blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude.'

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed 'YES YES, I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.

MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are honest.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men are men.
superwoman
 
Posts: 640
Joined: Sun Jul 04, 2004 10:34 am
Location: near glasgow, scotland

funnies

Postby superwoman » Wed Feb 18, 2009 11:13 pm

There's a Scotsman driving through Europe and an Englishman driving in the opposite direction. In the middle of the night, with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions. The Scotsman manages to climb out of his car and survey the damages. He looks at his twisted car and says, 'Jesus, I am really lucky to be alive!'

Likewise, the Englishman scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, 'I can't believe I survived this wreck!'

The Englishman walks over to the Scotsman and says, 'You know, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of such rivals.' The Scotsman thinks for a moment and says, 'You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived the wreck.'

So, the Scotsman pops open his boot and finds a full unopened bottle of Whisky. He says to the English fella, 'I think this is another sign from God that we toast to our new found understanding and friendship' The Englishman says, 'You're damn right!' and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down the Whisky.

After putting away nearly half the bottle, the Englishman hands it back to the Scotsman and says, 'Your turn!' The Scotsman twists the cap back on the bottle and says, 'Nah, I think I'll wait for the police to show up'
superwoman
 
Posts: 640
Joined: Sun Jul 04, 2004 10:34 am
Location: near glasgow, scotland

Postby tiggersam » Mon Feb 23, 2009 10:51 am

This card made me giggle -

Mary had a little lamb
She tied it to a pylon
10,000 volts shot up its bum
and turned its wool to nylon


Sam
Repair of VSD and pulomonary stenosis 1972 @ GOSH
RBBB and light leak from pulmonary valve
type two diabetic
Primary Ovarian Failure
oesteoarthritus - bone and joint problems - poss heart related
tiggersam
 
Posts: 203
Joined: Mon Jan 03, 2005 5:45 pm
Location: North London

Postby Kes » Tue Feb 24, 2009 7:22 pm

OMG I loved all those jokes!
I only know one sad one but.... :?

What is a ghost's fav food?

Spook-getti !

bad I know
Im sorry :oops: :oops: :oops:

Kes (Carly)
User avatar
Kes
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Wed Feb 11, 2009 8:39 pm

How Many have Heard these Tube Announcements - lol

Postby tiggersam » Tue Mar 03, 2009 9:57 am

It's not Monday .... but this did make me giggle:

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers.....

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."


"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."


"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."


"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."


"We are now travelling through Baker Street. As you can see, Baker Street Station is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

"Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."


During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."


"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."


"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"


"Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...)
"This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"


"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
Repair of VSD and pulomonary stenosis 1972 @ GOSH
RBBB and light leak from pulmonary valve
type two diabetic
Primary Ovarian Failure
oesteoarthritus - bone and joint problems - poss heart related
tiggersam
 
Posts: 203
Joined: Mon Jan 03, 2005 5:45 pm
Location: North London

An Irish Joke -

Postby tiggersam » Tue Mar 03, 2009 10:02 am

Being half Irish - I found this hilarious :

An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident.


In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'
asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded:
'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the...'


'I didn't ask for any details',
the solicitor interrupted.
'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said,
'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said,
'Your Honour, I am tryingto establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man
told the police on the scene that=2 0he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please
tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor:
'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded.
'Well as I was saying, I had?just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into t he trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.


Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. H e could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'


'Now
what the Hell would you have said?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Repair of VSD and pulomonary stenosis 1972 @ GOSH
RBBB and light leak from pulmonary valve
type two diabetic
Primary Ovarian Failure
oesteoarthritus - bone and joint problems - poss heart related
tiggersam
 
Posts: 203
Joined: Mon Jan 03, 2005 5:45 pm
Location: North London

Postby vicki » Mon Mar 16, 2009 8:51 am

I only know very bad jokes....

A group of bats, hanging on the ceiling of a cave, discover a single bat STANDING upright underneath on the floor of the cave
Surprised by this unusual behaviour, the group asked the standing bat: "What on earth are you doing down there?"

The bat shouts back: "Yoga!"

:oops: :oops: :oops:

Vicki
vicki
 
Posts: 589
Joined: Thu Jul 08, 2004 11:49 am
Location: glasgow

PreviousNext

Return to Non-heart Related Topics

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests

cron