Monday morning Jokes

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Postby lbloomer » Thu Aug 07, 2008 12:26 pm

this joke made me laugh for ages.

A man walks into a restaurant with an unusual squid swimming in a tank, and asks for it to be made into something delicious. The squid is a light green colour and has a moustache. It is given to the chef, Gervaise, who refuses to kill it because it is too beautiful. So it is given to the big tough German guy who does the washing up, Hans, but he also refuses to kill it.



The moral of this story: Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervaise, with mild green hairy-lipped squid.

Love Lisa, xx.
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Postby Kieran » Fri Sep 12, 2008 8:47 am

People have been warned to be on the look out for a Psychic Midget who escaped from Wormwood scrubs earlier today.

A police statement issued this morning said ...'There is a small medium at large' :roll:

Kieran Badjoke
TGA 1970, Mustards 1974
Heart Attack 1984
2 Tia's 1991
AF & SVT's
ICD fitted December 2005
On active Transplant list July 2008
Heart Transplant 31st July 2009
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Postby blonde_saint » Fri Sep 12, 2008 11:10 am

That may have been a bad joke Kieran but it made me laugh :D
Deb x
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Postby Kieran » Wed Sep 24, 2008 3:12 pm

What do you get if you cross a Motorway with a Pogostick?
Run over most probably!

Kieran Badjoke :roll:
TGA 1970, Mustards 1974
Heart Attack 1984
2 Tia's 1991
AF & SVT's
ICD fitted December 2005
On active Transplant list July 2008
Heart Transplant 31st July 2009
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Postby vicki » Wed Sep 24, 2008 8:39 pm

KIERAN!!!!!!!!!!!!

My 10 year old appreciated it- just about your age level :wink:

Vicki
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jokes

Postby superwoman » Wed Sep 24, 2008 9:13 pm

Kieran!!

That is a particularly bad joke.

What happened to all your funnies that used to make lol at work.

Funnies please

Cheers
Gill
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Postby Kieran » Thu Sep 25, 2008 8:07 am

If that is my fanbase now here's more jokes for 10 years old......

How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.

Did you hear about the farmer you ploughed his field with a steamroller ?
He wanted to grow mash potatoes!

What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
You take me for grunted.

Q: When is a farmer like a magician?
A: When he turns his cow to pasture.

Q: Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink"?
A: Because it was always running out of the pen.

Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
A: Laughing stock

Apologies for my recent form. I will try harder. Honest

Kieran (xmas) Crackerjoke :roll:
TGA 1970, Mustards 1974
Heart Attack 1984
2 Tia's 1991
AF & SVT's
ICD fitted December 2005
On active Transplant list July 2008
Heart Transplant 31st July 2009
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Postby Scarlet » Fri Sep 26, 2008 2:15 pm

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Boom boom
ccTGA, VSD, Pulmonary Stenosis, Dextrocardia

Life is for living so get your boots on and walk the countryside.
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Postby Kieran » Tue Oct 21, 2008 8:08 am

What do you call a lady who goes into a pub and starts to juggle drinks?
Beatrix.

Noah: "I thought we had two turkeys when we started out"
Mrs Noah: "Well dear, it is Christmas

Kieran Badjoke
TGA 1970, Mustards 1974
Heart Attack 1984
2 Tia's 1991
AF & SVT's
ICD fitted December 2005
On active Transplant list July 2008
Heart Transplant 31st July 2009
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Postby Paul Polo Willgoss » Tue Dec 16, 2008 10:33 pm

Have you heard the one about the homeopath who tried to commit suicide?

They died of an underdose!

Boom Boom!
The year of the mid-life crisis

http://www.justgiving.com/fallotsrunner
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Postby Gilly » Tue Dec 16, 2008 10:48 pm

Paul

Don't give up the day job!

Dear me.

Gilly :shock:
Aortic Valve Replacement (mechancial) October 2009
Mild Coarctation
Hypertension
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Postby Brad » Thu Dec 18, 2008 10:42 pm

Did you hear about the man who poured Domestos over the local vicar?

He was arrested for a bleach of the priest.
Born 1977
Various Pacemakers 1979 - present
Mitral Valve Replacement - 2004
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some funnies

Postby superwoman » Tue Jan 06, 2009 11:28 am

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

A point of view ... Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Miss Walters' vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands, and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Miss Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Miss Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said,

?
'Land Mines.'

?

Moral of the story is ... (no matter where you go) ... BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN!
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more jokes

Postby superwoman » Tue Jan 06, 2009 6:54 pm

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a b1tch.....
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Postby superwoman » Tue Jan 06, 2009 6:59 pm

Do you ever worry about the NHS at all ? You should -

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow [color=darkred]]PLEASE NOTE I AM NOT RESPONSIBILE FOR THIS DESPITE WORKING FOR NHS Glasgow[/color]

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7.. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
.
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Stay away from hospitals !
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