Monday morning Jokes

We're all more than just our Heart Conditions, so if you want to discuss last nights TV, your favourite sport, or just the price of fish, this is the place.

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Postby blonde_saint » Fri Feb 01, 2008 10:37 pm

:lol: :lol:
I like it :) x
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A familiar tale...?

Postby elizabeth » Mon Feb 04, 2008 5:58 pm

A woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

She said, "Yes, darling! She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic! That's wonderful news!"

The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"

She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, my doctor, doesn't tell me a word!"
TGA - 1976, Mustard 1977 & baffle repair 1984.
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Postby Scarlet » Sat Feb 23, 2008 1:24 pm

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage,"Hello Doctor!! Please come over here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked
argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will
work as well as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? "

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.....

"Try to do it when the engine is running". :D
ccTGA, VSD, Pulmonary Stenosis, Dextrocardia

Life is for living so get your boots on and walk the countryside.
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Postby vicki » Wed Mar 12, 2008 3:24 pm

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight ?
She said. . That's a good idea - you stand by the
ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you.â€
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Postby blonde_saint » Wed Mar 12, 2008 5:32 pm

:lol: :lol:
Well done Vicki I like them
Deb x
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Postby Gilly » Thu Mar 13, 2008 7:35 pm

Excellent Vicki!

thanks, Gilly
Aortic Valve Replacement (mechancial) October 2009
Mild Coarctation
Hypertension
Aortic Valvotomy 1982
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Postby del smith » Fri Mar 14, 2008 1:32 pm

Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks them into the trolley


"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife "They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans", he says



"Put them back.. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping...



A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.



"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man, "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.



The man replies.... "SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE F***ING PRICE
Check my site for future bookings please.

TGA 78 (Senning)
Nothing else an still going strong!!
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Postby Scarlet » Sat Mar 22, 2008 8:41 pm

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.

The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'He's got the f**ing Pope as a chauffeur!'

:lol: :lol: Hope you enjoyed it!
ccTGA, VSD, Pulmonary Stenosis, Dextrocardia

Life is for living so get your boots on and walk the countryside.
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Postby Scarlet » Tue Apr 01, 2008 7:21 pm

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the f**kin' skippin'
ccTGA, VSD, Pulmonary Stenosis, Dextrocardia

Life is for living so get your boots on and walk the countryside.
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Postby del smith » Wed Apr 02, 2008 8:26 am

The Day the p.niss asked for a Raise


I, the p.niss hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:

I do physical labour.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss



The Response:

Dear P. Niss,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you
have raised,

The administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting
other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed your assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina
Check my site for future bookings please.

TGA 78 (Senning)
Nothing else an still going strong!!
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Postby Mike_H » Thu Apr 17, 2008 10:40 pm

Aunty Sharon

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment to get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids came back and one by one told their stories. Karl said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chickens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.'

'What's the moral of the story?' asked the teacher. 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!' 'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Emily raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is: 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Emily. Mick, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the f*ck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been on the piss.
TGA 68 - Mustard 70
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Postby Gilly » Fri Apr 18, 2008 5:03 pm

Excellent Mike

Gilly
Aortic Valve Replacement (mechancial) October 2009
Mild Coarctation
Hypertension
Aortic Valvotomy 1982
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Postby elizabeth » Tue Jun 03, 2008 8:09 pm

Best Joke This Year

Two women were sitting together, quietly.....
TGA - 1976, Mustard 1977 & baffle repair 1984.
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Postby Kieran » Tue Jul 15, 2008 11:14 am

EU Directive No. 456179

In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2009.

From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.

Thank you for your attention.


Sorry, very poor I know... :oops:
TGA 1970, Mustards 1974
Heart Attack 1984
2 Tia's 1991
AF & SVT's
ICD fitted December 2005
On active Transplant list July 2008
Heart Transplant 31st July 2009
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Postby Paul Polo Willgoss » Fri Jul 25, 2008 6:02 pm

Kieran,

what scares me is that chartered members of the one of the european engineering societies are entitled to call themselves EurIng... You try interviewing someone when they insists their title is EurIng?

Paul
The year of the mid-life crisis

http://www.justgiving.com/fallotsrunner
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